It's the whole "separation" thing. I have felt "apart from" and "different" from the rest of the world for as long as I can remember. And I mean that quite literally... a sensation I first became a aware of when I was maybe 4-5 year old... in which I experienced an inner realization that "Wow... I am just really not like anyone else on this planet."
Maybe what makes the Nine "apartness" feel different from the Four apartness is that whereas I am definitely aware that I am "different" I have no sense that something is "missing" nor that I have any kind of "special uniqueness" about me.
I am simply "aware" that it never feels-- and never has felt-- like I fit in on this planet. And when I sit and study "the feel" of that, all I experience is just a sense of "quiet resignation," based on actual experiences. There's no "drama;" no need to go into gales of "public histrionics," or anything like that. Just a quiet sense of "Yeah, there is is."
The reason I ended up writing these words is that my friend (who's a Four) periodically points out that I "seem very Four-ish, sometimes." We laugh about that sometimes, but I had never really taken the time to diver deeper into it.
My first recognition of this "being different" came when I grew aware that everyone around me felt very "loud" and very "violent" in a way I truly couldn't relate to. There was a sort of "aggressiveness" in their behavior that made no sense to me. I was a keen observer of the world around me... and the way people seemed to be... I dunno... "in competition" with each other... just didn't feel right. And it would feel even less right when someone would point out that I was "weird" because I didn't respond like other people, mostly to social situations.
As an adult, I have become aware that there are so many ways in which I truly and deeply "don't understand people."
I look at this through the lens of perception that Nines are frequently referred to as "The Peacemaker," and that explains a few things. Maybe I am simply a "peacemaker" to an extreme degree... after all someone has to be, just like someone has to be the person who has size 15 feet. Maybe the effect is exacerbated by the fact that I have never felt any particular compulsion to "fit in." That, in itself, is perhaps a little UN-Nineish. Mostly, though, I think that's behavioral and I have my parents to thank for it... they always insisted that I "think for myself" and "make my own decisions," rather than follow the crowd.
Anyway, I amd exploring-- and will probably continue to explore-- the roots of my "differentness" because it feels somewhat counter to the typical type Nine attributes.
