Drifting Away on Waves of Sadness

Do we talk much about Nines and sadness?

I find that I often drift off on waves of sadness.

It's not the great loss and melodramatic sadness we typically associate with Fours, it's a far more peaceful sadness. It almost feel like a recognition of the beauty of sadness; the unspoken beauty of loss.

There's no anger there; no regret there... just a reflection on the sadness.

Modern society imprints on us that sadness is "not OK." When a loved one or a beloved pet dies, it's OK to shed a tear or two, but we're advised to "get over" any sadness that lingers longer than that.

And what about the sadness that exists at a "macro" level; at a societal level. Sadness for lost generations; lost traditions; lost species; lost wilderness. 

In Japanese culture, there is a lovely — and not translatable — phrase: "mono no aware." 

As I said, it's not translatable; but one interpretation characterizes it as "the slight wistfulness we feel at the passing of a beautiful moment, with the knowledge that it will never occur again."

In a sense, it is an awareness and acknowledgment of the eternal transience and impermanence of all things.

It visits me, on a regular basis. 

It consists of a thousand moments; often fleeting... the moments we sew together into the patchwork quilts that represent the totality of our lives; of our experiences.

There's nothing to rail against...

Nines as Eternal Students — Avoidance?

Nines are often referred to as "Peacemakers," but it has always puzzled me why this term peacemaker so often is viewed through a skeptical lens. 

When we look all around us, the vast majority of people in the world value peace very highly. We strive for peace. We want inner peace and much hard-earned cash for seminars to ostensibly teach us the way. Politicians say they want world peace. We give out a Nobel Peace Prize.

I guess the skepticism comes from the fact that many people in the world have claimed to be at peace but in fact weren't really at peace. 

But I have a sneaking suspicion that part of it also comes from the fact that many people still have a very strong fighting and debating instinct and so perhaps they feel a little bit threatened by the idea of peace. 

Perhaps they consider "peace" and think to themselves, "Who would I BE, and what VALUE would I bring in a world where PEACE — rather than conflict — is the norm?"

I don't spend a lot of time looking at the Enneagram these days. It feels as if I learned whatever I needed to learn, and I still have many of the lessons rattling around inside my brain and now it is up to me to apply them rather than continuing to study and study and study. 

I am really not interested in becoming an eternal student! 

That said, I do know quite a few Nines who seem very invested in always studying. Almost as if the ongoing process of studying gives them a "hall pass" to not actually engage in the real and tangible world. 

Studying as avoidance. It's a thing...

Another Year... Revisiting the Enneagram

As I have written in the past, I don't really "do" New Year's Resolutions.

Bottom line is that I don't need to manufacture my own reasons to feel bad about not accomplishing things I set out to do... just to feel like I am part of the "Societal Mores Club."

Are goals a bad thing?

Personally, I don't think so-- what feels "bad" to me isn't the resolutions, but pressuring ourselves, especially when that pressure is the product of societal expectations, rather than our own authentic sense of what we want. Or want to accomplish.

I believe the vast majority of people who make New Year's Resolutions do so because it's part of the collective societal hypnosis and they feel like they "should;" because "that's what people DO." not because they are genuinely ready and able to set goals in a sensible fashion, and then take the organized steps-- with positive intent-- to accomplish them.

There are exceptions, of course.

As of late, I have been "revisiting" the Enneagram... in part because I was organizing my office bookcase and the 30-odd books on my shelf on various aspects of the system reminded me of how much I used to "study" typology... and how I invested almost 20 years in gaining a better understanding of myself and the world around me... in large part through the Enneagram.

As I started to read again... and visited some of the many groups, web sites and forums that have sprung up... I was also reminded of why I stopped: The pervasive focus on "fixations" increasingly felt like the eternal emphasis was on "not being well" rather than on being well.

It seems like there is always this assumption that we are "not well" and need to be "healed," but there is very little information and guidance about actually LIVING and BEING well.

I remember sitting with that-- back around 2005-06-- and growing disgruntled at the realization that it felt like yet another variation on certain branches of religion (and Christianity, especially) where the eternal assumption is "we're all sinners."

In the Church of the Enneagram, it felt like "we're all in our fixations."

Don't get me wrong... I "get" the underlying logic, purely from a psychoanalytical perspective. If you're emotionally healthy, balanced and well, you're not going to BE on the Internet a lot, looking at systems like the Enneagram, you're going to be too busy being "out there, living life." And so... both the "givers" and "takers" in the Enneagram equation are going to be disproportionately those with a perceived need to "fix" something.

And that's kind of why I left... to get out of "analysis paralysis."

So why am I revisiting the Enneagram, now?

Actually, because I like to write (and finally have some time!)... and it's an interesting field, as well as one of my favorites.

The Paradoxes of "Emotional Sloth"

Recently, my wife and I spent three weeks in Denmark, the country where I was born and raised.

For three lovely weeks, we had "nothing to do," in the sense that the clamor and demands of everyday life were nowhere to be found.

I spent a lot of time "just sitting" and thinking about life and the world and the human condition... against the backdrop of a family summer cottage where I spent many a summer holiday as a kid.

When I am on vacation, I am just not one of "those people" who feels compelled to cram "activities" into my every waking moment... for me, the entire purpose of being on vacation is that it represents an opportunity for me to totally "unplug" without feelings of guilt.

So I do.

I got to reflecting on the reality that my most desired state is "stillness."

When characterizing Nines and their fixations, a word/phrase that is often used is "sloth." Sometimes the more specific classical term "acedia" (Claudio Naranjo is fond of this one) is used-- specifically meaning spiritual or mental sloth. I also see the term "indolence" used, quite a bit.

The interesting (apparent) paradox is that we criticize Nines for being in this "nothing" place... yet society broadly endorses the positive idea of stillness through meditation, and we "value" people who have the ability to stay unflappable and calm.

There's a strange duality there... and I fell into this type of thinking, myself, for many years... with an internal dialogue that went something like:

"So you want me to be calm and peaceful, and you openly declare this a GOOD thing, but because I am calm and peaceful I am in my FIXATION and need to snap out of it???!?!??"

Ultimately, we need to scratch beneath the surface and examine intent.

Meditation and striving to keep oneself in a Zen-like state of calm is an active practice... not a way to zone out and avoid the world, out of a sense of apathy. At a glance, an external observer may see the two as fairly similar... but when you examine the underlying states of consciousness... one is motivated by a true sense of peace, the other is motivated by apathy.

I genuinely like to be peaceful.

I have no fear of "doing" or of "engaging." But when offered the active choice between engaging in a bunch of stuff and sitting still in a state of peace, I am always going to choose peace. There's little to no ongoing "monkey mind/monkey body" within me.

Does that make me emotionally or spiritually slothful, or merely a peaceful sort of person?

Beats me... but I always return to the same basic question: "If someone is functioning and content in their life, WHO decides what 'healthy conduct' looks like?"

When Enneagram Nines feel like parts of Enneagram Fours

From time to time, it seems like parts of me feel more like a Four than a Nine.

It's the whole "separation" thing. I have felt "apart from" and "different" from the rest of the world for as long as I can remember. And I mean that quite literally... a sensation I first became a aware of when I was maybe 4-5 year old... in which I experienced an inner realization that "Wow... I am just really not like anyone else on this planet."

The fact that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (or "HSP") may play into this, as well. Sensitivity is typically associated with Fours (outward expression) and Fives (inward expression) more than with Nines, but I am definitely part of the "tribe of HSPs."

Maybe what makes the Nine "apartness" feel different from the Four apartness is that whereas I am definitely aware that I am "different" I have no sense that something is "missing" nor that I have any kind of "special uniqueness" about me.

I am simply "aware" that it never feels-- and never has felt-- like I fit in on this planet. And when I sit and study "the feel" of that, all I experience is just a sense of "quiet resignation," based on actual experiences. There's no "drama;" no need to go into gales of "public histrionics," or anything like that. Just a quiet sense of "Yeah, there is is."

The reason I ended up writing these words is that my friend (who's a Four) periodically points out that I "seem very Four-ish, sometimes." We laugh about that sometimes, but I had never really taken the time to diver deeper into it.

My first recognition of this "being different" came when I grew aware that everyone around me felt very "loud" and very "violent" in a way I truly couldn't relate to. There was a sort of "aggressiveness" in their behavior that made no sense to me. I was a keen observer of the world around me... and the way people seemed to be... I dunno... "in competition" with each other... just didn't feel right. And it would feel even less right when someone would point out that I was "weird" because I didn't respond like other people, mostly to social situations.

As an adult, I have become aware that there are so many ways in which I truly and deeply "don't understand people."

I look at this through the lens of perception that Nines are frequently referred to as "The Peacemaker," and that explains a few things. Maybe I am simply a "peacemaker" to an extreme degree... after all someone has to be, just like someone has to be the person who has size 15 feet.  Maybe the effect is exacerbated by the fact that I have never felt any particular compulsion to "fit in." That, in itself, is perhaps a little UN-Nineish. Mostly, though, I think that's behavioral and I have my parents to thank for it... they always insisted that I "think for myself" and "make my own decisions," rather than follow the crowd.

Anyway, I amd exploring-- and will probably continue to explore-- the roots of my "differentness" because it feels somewhat counter to the typical type Nine attributes.

It's Just not THAT Important...

I think a lot of Nines get told that they "lack passion," at one time or another. The cultural definition of "passion" seems to involve being "strongly adhered" to something you are involved with. Or someONE you're involved with. I'll even go so far as to make the "snarky comment" that many cultural definitions of "passion" suggest that unless you pitch fits and throw things, "you don't got it."

And yet, we have loads and scads of workshops and books that teach us the value of "non-attachment" and finding a place of inner silence. Seems a bit contradictory, if you ask me.

I have been told-- more than a few times-- that I lack passion, and that I seem very "monotone."

I have also heard people talk about their "passionate" relationships... and somehow that "passion" seems to mostly be tied to the fact that they were "having a fight" with their partners, rather often. Which makes me wonder how anyone can think it healthy to pursue a situation that's about fighting.

The point I am getting to, here, is that a lot of stuff just isn't that important to me. Certainly not important enough to get all worked up over. It's just that other people perceive that those things are important, and those perceptions get them all fired up about little details. And those same people-- when considering those of us for whom the details are.... well... details-- seem quite set on the idea of telling us something is wrong with us, because we're not having the 43rd nervous breakdown (or fit of rage) of the day because we broke a shoelace.

I honor that people are all different. But seriously, folks? Let's get a grip here, and get a little perspective. Sounds to me like you are trying to rationalize your own dysfunctional behavior by trying to paint me as "the one with the problem."

Interaction of Being a Nine with Inattentive ADD

I am an adult with ADD... the "inattentive" version.

Most people are familiar with ADD or ADHD as being "that kid who's bouncing off the walls and getting into EVERYthing," and then the adult that comes from that kid.

The Inattentive version of ADD-- which has been with me since I was a little kid-- is the exact opposite. This describes the people who just can't concentrate because they site there, trying to do something, and then simply "drift away" to La La Land... they are the kids who were always described as "daydreamers" and came home with report cards that said something like "nice and polite, but needs to apply himself more."

I haven't previously explored the connections (or not) between being a Nine, and inattentive ADD. Sometimes we (meaning "society") tend to pathologize things too much... but sometimes we also have a tendency to not want to be objective about our actual mental issues... instead choosing to wrap perfectly "treatable" conditions up in a nice warm blanket called "Oh, that's just part of my personality type."

Which is basically bullshit.

"Know thyself" is really important, when it comes to living a conscious life. And "knowing" means paying enough attention to understand the difference between "personality" and "condition" and to be able to ascertain-- with some degree of certainly-- where one ends, and the other begins.

We talk a lot about Nines "zoning out." That has always been an issue of mine... but people with Inattentive ADD also "zone out." So to really understand the dynamic, we must examine the nature of the zoning out.

When I look back at my history, a lot of time I find that I am zoning out because I just can't stay focused on the task. My brain-- literally-- goes "foggy" when I try to really focus, and I end up looking at birds outside my window. There's no Nine-ish "avoidance" involved... looking out the window doesn't have anything to do with "distracting myself" from what is important. In those cases, it's basically a brain chemistry thing... people with inattentive ADD have issues with the neurotransmitters in their brain sending the "wrong" message to our bodies. Normally, when you sit down to focus on a task, your body releases neurotransmitters that give you a bit of a "lift" and a "jolt" to allow you to be extra focused and awake. That's NOT what happens, for me. I sit down, get about 10 minutes into the task... and my neurotransmitters send a "message" to my brain and body that amounts to "Dude! You haven't SLEPT in six days!" and all I want to do is fall asleep... when I need to concentrate the most.

When you are "zoning out, as a Nine" the process is quite different, because there's an active (or at least subconscious) "avoidance" of what matters; of what is important. It's the zoning out (for example) I experience when I play endless Facebook games as a means of not getting around to paying my bills. I am "aware" of the bills, and it "feels like SUCH a hassle" to get them all organized, and then there's the "futility factor" of knowing I can't afford to pay all of them, so that will make me "feel bad about myself" which I am also trying to avoid. And-- irrationally-- I am avoiding looking at my bills, in some (false) hope that "if I can't SEE them, they are not really there."

As you can see (I hope!), there's a very different underlying cognitive process between one "kind" of zoning out and the other. And sometimes the two can co-exist, adding an additional wrinkle of complication. For example, in the "bills" example, I may manage to "ramp myself up" to face my bills (overcoming the Nine "laziness"), but then "zone out" while trying to DO my bills (the ADD sets in)... even though I have overcome the cognitive resistance.

All I can advise-- from where I am sitting-- is ""know all you can" because it really does matter to fully understand "what" affects us. Fortunately, the deeper study of the enneagram teaches us some fairly rigorous self-inquiry, allowing us to get to the bottom of these "mysteries."

"Know Thyself!"