Drifting Away on Waves of Sadness

Do we talk much about Nines and sadness?

I find that I often drift off on waves of sadness.

It's not the great loss and melodramatic sadness we typically associate with Fours, it's a far more peaceful sadness. It almost feel like a recognition of the beauty of sadness; the unspoken beauty of loss.

There's no anger there; no regret there... just a reflection on the sadness.

Modern society imprints on us that sadness is "not OK." When a loved one or a beloved pet dies, it's OK to shed a tear or two, but we're advised to "get over" any sadness that lingers longer than that.

And what about the sadness that exists at a "macro" level; at a societal level. Sadness for lost generations; lost traditions; lost species; lost wilderness. 

In Japanese culture, there is a lovely — and not translatable — phrase: "mono no aware." 

As I said, it's not translatable; but one interpretation characterizes it as "the slight wistfulness we feel at the passing of a beautiful moment, with the knowledge that it will never occur again."

In a sense, it is an awareness and acknowledgment of the eternal transience and impermanence of all things.

It visits me, on a regular basis. 

It consists of a thousand moments; often fleeting... the moments we sew together into the patchwork quilts that represent the totality of our lives; of our experiences.

There's nothing to rail against...

Nines as Eternal Students — Avoidance?

Nines are often referred to as "Peacemakers," but it has always puzzled me why this term peacemaker so often is viewed through a skeptical lens. 

When we look all around us, the vast majority of people in the world value peace very highly. We strive for peace. We want inner peace and much hard-earned cash for seminars to ostensibly teach us the way. Politicians say they want world peace. We give out a Nobel Peace Prize.

I guess the skepticism comes from the fact that many people in the world have claimed to be at peace but in fact weren't really at peace. 

But I have a sneaking suspicion that part of it also comes from the fact that many people still have a very strong fighting and debating instinct and so perhaps they feel a little bit threatened by the idea of peace. 

Perhaps they consider "peace" and think to themselves, "Who would I BE, and what VALUE would I bring in a world where PEACE — rather than conflict — is the norm?"

I don't spend a lot of time looking at the Enneagram these days. It feels as if I learned whatever I needed to learn, and I still have many of the lessons rattling around inside my brain and now it is up to me to apply them rather than continuing to study and study and study. 

I am really not interested in becoming an eternal student! 

That said, I do know quite a few Nines who seem very invested in always studying. Almost as if the ongoing process of studying gives them a "hall pass" to not actually engage in the real and tangible world. 

Studying as avoidance. It's a thing...

Another Year... Revisiting the Enneagram

As I have written in the past, I don't really "do" New Year's Resolutions.

Bottom line is that I don't need to manufacture my own reasons to feel bad about not accomplishing things I set out to do... just to feel like I am part of the "Societal Mores Club."

Are goals a bad thing?

Personally, I don't think so-- what feels "bad" to me isn't the resolutions, but pressuring ourselves, especially when that pressure is the product of societal expectations, rather than our own authentic sense of what we want. Or want to accomplish.

I believe the vast majority of people who make New Year's Resolutions do so because it's part of the collective societal hypnosis and they feel like they "should;" because "that's what people DO." not because they are genuinely ready and able to set goals in a sensible fashion, and then take the organized steps-- with positive intent-- to accomplish them.

There are exceptions, of course.

As of late, I have been "revisiting" the Enneagram... in part because I was organizing my office bookcase and the 30-odd books on my shelf on various aspects of the system reminded me of how much I used to "study" typology... and how I invested almost 20 years in gaining a better understanding of myself and the world around me... in large part through the Enneagram.

As I started to read again... and visited some of the many groups, web sites and forums that have sprung up... I was also reminded of why I stopped: The pervasive focus on "fixations" increasingly felt like the eternal emphasis was on "not being well" rather than on being well.

It seems like there is always this assumption that we are "not well" and need to be "healed," but there is very little information and guidance about actually LIVING and BEING well.

I remember sitting with that-- back around 2005-06-- and growing disgruntled at the realization that it felt like yet another variation on certain branches of religion (and Christianity, especially) where the eternal assumption is "we're all sinners."

In the Church of the Enneagram, it felt like "we're all in our fixations."

Don't get me wrong... I "get" the underlying logic, purely from a psychoanalytical perspective. If you're emotionally healthy, balanced and well, you're not going to BE on the Internet a lot, looking at systems like the Enneagram, you're going to be too busy being "out there, living life." And so... both the "givers" and "takers" in the Enneagram equation are going to be disproportionately those with a perceived need to "fix" something.

And that's kind of why I left... to get out of "analysis paralysis."

So why am I revisiting the Enneagram, now?

Actually, because I like to write (and finally have some time!)... and it's an interesting field, as well as one of my favorites.

Interaction of Being a Nine with Inattentive ADD

I am an adult with ADD... the "inattentive" version.

Most people are familiar with ADD or ADHD as being "that kid who's bouncing off the walls and getting into EVERYthing," and then the adult that comes from that kid.

The Inattentive version of ADD-- which has been with me since I was a little kid-- is the exact opposite. This describes the people who just can't concentrate because they site there, trying to do something, and then simply "drift away" to La La Land... they are the kids who were always described as "daydreamers" and came home with report cards that said something like "nice and polite, but needs to apply himself more."

I haven't previously explored the connections (or not) between being a Nine, and inattentive ADD. Sometimes we (meaning "society") tend to pathologize things too much... but sometimes we also have a tendency to not want to be objective about our actual mental issues... instead choosing to wrap perfectly "treatable" conditions up in a nice warm blanket called "Oh, that's just part of my personality type."

Which is basically bullshit.

"Know thyself" is really important, when it comes to living a conscious life. And "knowing" means paying enough attention to understand the difference between "personality" and "condition" and to be able to ascertain-- with some degree of certainly-- where one ends, and the other begins.

We talk a lot about Nines "zoning out." That has always been an issue of mine... but people with Inattentive ADD also "zone out." So to really understand the dynamic, we must examine the nature of the zoning out.

When I look back at my history, a lot of time I find that I am zoning out because I just can't stay focused on the task. My brain-- literally-- goes "foggy" when I try to really focus, and I end up looking at birds outside my window. There's no Nine-ish "avoidance" involved... looking out the window doesn't have anything to do with "distracting myself" from what is important. In those cases, it's basically a brain chemistry thing... people with inattentive ADD have issues with the neurotransmitters in their brain sending the "wrong" message to our bodies. Normally, when you sit down to focus on a task, your body releases neurotransmitters that give you a bit of a "lift" and a "jolt" to allow you to be extra focused and awake. That's NOT what happens, for me. I sit down, get about 10 minutes into the task... and my neurotransmitters send a "message" to my brain and body that amounts to "Dude! You haven't SLEPT in six days!" and all I want to do is fall asleep... when I need to concentrate the most.

When you are "zoning out, as a Nine" the process is quite different, because there's an active (or at least subconscious) "avoidance" of what matters; of what is important. It's the zoning out (for example) I experience when I play endless Facebook games as a means of not getting around to paying my bills. I am "aware" of the bills, and it "feels like SUCH a hassle" to get them all organized, and then there's the "futility factor" of knowing I can't afford to pay all of them, so that will make me "feel bad about myself" which I am also trying to avoid. And-- irrationally-- I am avoiding looking at my bills, in some (false) hope that "if I can't SEE them, they are not really there."

As you can see (I hope!), there's a very different underlying cognitive process between one "kind" of zoning out and the other. And sometimes the two can co-exist, adding an additional wrinkle of complication. For example, in the "bills" example, I may manage to "ramp myself up" to face my bills (overcoming the Nine "laziness"), but then "zone out" while trying to DO my bills (the ADD sets in)... even though I have overcome the cognitive resistance.

All I can advise-- from where I am sitting-- is ""know all you can" because it really does matter to fully understand "what" affects us. Fortunately, the deeper study of the enneagram teaches us some fairly rigorous self-inquiry, allowing us to get to the bottom of these "mysteries."

"Know Thyself!"

What Nines have "in Common," and not...

Over the years, I have spent a fair amount of time on general enneagram forums, and have been part of various listservs-- including some that were specifically about enneagram Nines.

Of course, one of the most common discussions revolves around "what we have in common." Certainly, this can be both fun and enlightening, but at times it goes a little overboard... and the discussion dteriorates into meaningless nonsense.

"Do Nines like ice cream?" 

No. Yes. What does that have to DO with anything???

Occasionally I have the humorless nature more often encountered in Fives.

One of the "marginal" topics discussed-- and one that interests me-- is whether enneagram type has any influence on musical tastes.

In some ways, my musical tastes could be characterized as "Four-ish," since I have a huge collection of esoteric music "nobody has ever heard of" and I often feel "left out" because my music is anything but popular, and nobody else ever seems to listen to it.

Most of what I listen to might be categorized as "melodic trance" and "progressive vocal house," neither of which are genres that have ever been within 50 miles of a radio station.

"But don't you like 'normal' music?" people will ask me.

No, mostly I don't. Most of it bores me to tears. I'd probably have to listen to a "top 40" or "adult rock" station for several days before hearing one song that would fit in my "REALLY like this" category.

I'm not trying to be "difficult" or "contrary;" I'm just trying to please my ears and my soul... and most mainstream music sounds and feels... rough, unpolished, simplistic, formulaic and predictable. Mostly it's just so much noise...

I never had a heavy metal/headbanger "period." When I was 16, I listened to jazz funk and Pink Floyd. And precursors to electronica, like Kraftwerk and Steve Hillage. My college friends were mostly baffled by my musical tastes which mainly went to New Wave Britpop and Aussie rock. They were listening to Aerosmith, I was listening to Living in a Box and Kissing the Pink. Electronica developed a little more in the early 90's, with the emergence of acts like Opus II, the Shamen, The Golden Palominoes... I also had a Cocteau Twins phase. In the late 90's the likes of BT and ATB started to produce the precursers of "DJ mixed" trance music...

This morning I'm listening to Dave Horne and Chris Reece. It's OK. You've never heard of them... unless you accidentally ended here because this post popped up in a google search. In which case I apologize... you weren't expecting ramblings about personality types and music.

The bottom line, for me, is that the music I listen to gives me a sense of peace... and that IS very Nine-ish.

Nines, Anger and... Sadness

Core issue we are all familiar with: Nines and their (repressed?) anger.

Anger, anger, anger...

It's easy to understand how an angry world would fixate on an "absence of anger" as a "problem," when it seems so different from the majority response to situations.

"You're just lying to yourself about not being angry."

Most Nines have heard those words-- or some variation thereof-- many many times.

What I find distressing is the lack of scope, when it comes to identifying an "appropriate" response, when something happens, in our lives.

If my house burns down, I feel sad, not angry. I feel sad that I no longer have my nest, that my family photos are gone, that I wasn't able to put out the fire. My house burning down is a LOSS, so I feel sad; I mourn it. I don't RAGE at it.

When my dog gets run over, I feel sad. Not angry.

When I lose my job, I feel sad. Not angry.

While the world seems to think I am the one with the "personality defect," from where I am sitting it looks a lot like most people "use" anger as a way to avoid dealing with-- and sitting in-- their grief; their sadness.

And I am the one with the "problem?" Now... THAT implication makes me feel angry!

I was recently having a discussion about anger with my wife-- who also happens to be a Nine. She's been reading Karla McLaren's book "The Language of Emotions." In our discussion, something finally came to make sense... "anger" and "sadness" are different manifestations/expressions of the same root emotion.

Anger is sadness, and sadness is anger.

The same "thing," but expressed differently, in the outward sense.

In some way, this information makes me feel incredibly relieved. Like being told that I "don't have cancer," after all.

Fear of Confrontation-- a deeper look

It is commonly held enneagram "wisdom" that Nines are afraid of (or avoidant of) confrontation. I've been looking at my history and considering why. Is the behavior inherent, or is it learned.

As far as I can tell, it is experiential. That is, my primary reason for avoiding confrontations is that it tends to "end badly"-- for me. Why?

Because arguments/fights/heated discussions tend to be quick-thinking, in-the-moment, spontaneous events. And I royally suck at "thinking on my feet"... that is, my brain is "wired" to think slowly and thoroughly... when I am "required" to come up with something "in the moment" I draw a blank-- another reason why I am really bad at things like Trivial Pursuit or other games that require quick thinking.

What made me think of it is the fact that I am very good at "debating," if I get to do so by email, where there is time to "think about" what I am going to say next. What's more I am not "afraid" of such debates, nor do I "avoid" them.

So, to extrapolate fully, my fear/avoidance of confrontation is primarily related to (a) the "fear" that I won't have a comeback (fact!) when arguing and (b) the avoidance of an "activity" that will inevitably leave me the "losing party."

I simply don't have "the winning argument" till I've had half an hour to think it through. "In the moment," I am tongue-tied and empty headed...

Earlier today, I started tying this to other aspects of Nine behavior, at least as it applies to me.

"Nines don't know what they want." Wrong. I DO know what I want, but it will take me 10 minutes to think it through, and you need (for example, when deciding where to go to lunch) my answer in the next three seconds. I pretty much always know what I want... but I need time to unbury the answer.

That saying... "Speed Kills?" Yeah, that could be applied to my brain...

Nines, Work and Anger...

"The core issue of enneagram Nines is their repressed anger..." and blah, blah, blah....

The thing about self-development psychobabble is that it always tends to be long on accusations and identifications, and very short on solutions and healing.

No... really....

Think about it.

"Oh, you must sit in the silence and when the leaf blows on the northern wind during a full moon, the truth will become evident to you.... and you already have this knowing, it is just hidden by your own self-deceptions."

What???

What the fuck does that mean?

Whereas I can appreciate-- and truly do-- the value of self-discovery, I have always found myself frustrated by the so-called "Healing Professions," because they seem all geared towards people being "eternally IN healing" but rarely towards being healED.

Again, think about it:

If you go to the emergency room with a broken arm, you don't sit around and study broken bones for five years, and then wear 43 different types of casts while you "learn the best way to heal your broken arm."

We live in a world that's all about "Being IN the problem," not "SOLVING the problem."

Color me cynical, but if you went to a therapist and left happy and whole after three sessions... the therapist would have done a brilliant job, but also worked themselves out of charging you $95 a week for three years of torturous introspection...

But I am off on a bit of a sidetrack.

I was thinking about how the enneagram is very good at pointing out that Nines have hidden and repressed anger issues... but there is very little information about where that anger comes from, and how one might "find" it and balance it. It took me years and years and years to understand anything at all practical about my own understanding and healing.

There's no information about what anger "feels like."

My father was an Eight, and he had "rage issues." I learned what anger "looks like" (at least one version) by being around him... and watching him throw tools in his workshop, and scream obscenities at the top of his lungs at the slightest provocation.

In observing myself-- and I consider myself quite skilled at self-inquiry-- there is no part of me that feels inclined to throw a hammer across the room because I dropped a piece of sandpaper.

That's just a metaphor, really...

My point being that we all "feel" things individually. It's folly to think that there's some "absolute" way we're supposed to respond to-- and feel about-- the stuff of life. We're individuals. We-- not other people-- get to set the standard for what something "feels" like.

The only common thread in true Healing is that we be truthful. I must be truthful in my evaluation that "dropping the piece of sandpaper" does, indeed, not make me want to throw a hammer. If I actually want to throw a hammer, but pretend that I don't... we'll then I am being "repressed."

Thus, a large part of the healing process is about separating Truth from conjecture. And the global tendency to create an "average." Which reminds me of something a college psychology professor once told me: "Always remember that an average or a norm is a statistical concept, not a real person."

I spent many years "looking for my lost anger," where I would have been much better off studying and understanding underlying variations in human temperament.

But again, I have gone off on a sidetrack.

A type Nine trusim: "Nines talk in sagas."
Yup.

Nines do feel anger.
Personally, I feel angry when I have to work.

I don't feel angry about the work, itself... or about actually working... I feel angry about "having to work." Having to work means I can't sit still and do nothing. Having to work often means I feel forced to engage in meaningless (at least to me) activities. Work prods me into "activity" and that prodding makes me feel anger. In many ways, it is the extension of the same anger I remember feeling as a child when my mother would tell me to clean my room. There was no resentment about "being told what to do," there was resentment at having my "quiet" disrupted.

I have a genuine and deep desire for quiet, and for emptiness. "No-thing" is, to me, a beautiful concept. The choice to "not fill" space, time, and mind with "some-thing" is beautiful. My most-desired state is that in which I sit still-- like one of those Tibetan monks-- in silence, for 40 years.

My life in this "real" 3D world has been about how to structure my surroundings and activities and work in such a way that I can approximate that, while still being sufficiently "in the world."

I have learned and embraced that this is My Way of Living. When I am questioned-- or even attacked-- my response (NOT "repressed") has become a request to others to consider their questioning in the context of the way they might feel deeply uncomfortable when they feel "bored" or "there is nothing to do." I feel deeply uncomfortable when there is too much "to be done" in my life.

Of course, many make the argument that "doing" is a positive, and "not-doing" is laziness.

I'm sorry. THIS Nine does have an opinion. This whole "industriousness" thing and the "always in motion" thing is a westernized learned behavior, and not the Truth of who we Are. Just go learn about peaceful indigenous peoples... most of the time, they spend about 20% of their waking hours "working," as in fending for themselves and contributing to their village's well-being. The rest of the time they are just "at rest" and engaged in non "productive" things that mostly involve building community and connection.

"Yeah, but I couldn't afford my car, my travel, my boat and my XYZ and my ABC if I only worked three hours a day!"

To which I say "Instead of pointing fingers at me and what you perceive as laziness, who don't you point that finger at yourself and ask why you fear not filling every available space and moment with some-thing."

I have spent many years in the process of simply identifying what makes me angry. And the point I wanted to make is that this issue of "Nines and their anger" isn't so much about whether or not I get angry... but about what makes me feel anger. And for YOU (this is the "global" you), accepting that what pisses you off may not be what pisses ME off.

Having to work so much makes me feel angry.
Injustices make me feel angry.
Bullying makes me feel angry.
Those who "push hierarchies" in order to put themselves "at the top" make me feel angry.
War makes me feel angry.
People demanding things of me because it's "easier" for them to coerce someone else than do it themselves make me feel angry.
Narcissism makes me feel angry.

Conversely, I don't give a shit that the waiter dropped a plate, and our dinner will be delayed 15 minutes.
I don't give a shit that someone made a mistake. Mistakes happen. That's life. Deal with it.
I don't give a shit that your political views are polar opposite from mine.
I don't give a shit that some people are unconscious with their words. Some people are unconscious. Deal with it.
I don't give a shit that some service person won't "break the rules" for me. My lack of planning is not someone else's crisis. Be accountable.
I don't give a shit that the mechanic didn't get my car fixed today. So, it was more complicated than we expected... deal with it.
I don't give a shit that someone "dropped the ball." They dropped the ball. People are fallible. That's life.

And in the end?

I feel angry when people tell me what I am "supposed to feel angry about." Especially when they have expectations that I feel angry "on their behalf" for things (slights? transgressions?) I wouldn't even have noticed, in the first place. No. Bugger off. YOU don't get to "be me." I get to be me.

To Resolve... or NOT to Resolve

I'm a fairly staunch opponent of New Year's resolutions.

I don't know that this has anything in particular to do with being a Nine... I just have come to realize that I don't feel compelled to create a number of unrealistic goals I will then fail to accomplish, with the result that I feel bad about myself, or somehow "less than."

When I look at the whole issue of New Year's resolutions, it strikes me as problematic. Many people resolve to take on these BIG projects (which may require all year) in a thought process of moments. People plan more thoroughly for a weekly shopping trip. Which they generally succeed at. The idea (for example) of "losing 40 lbs" amounts to little more than empty words, absent a deeper process of working out HOW that is going to happen. And most people don't. They just say "I'm gonna lose 40lbs!" and by mid-February they are depressed and have given up because the first six weeks of the year has resulted in a loss of ONE pound and a lack of energy and well-being.

I prefer to set continuous small goals.

"This year I will organize and update all my client files."

No!

"This WEEK, I will organize all my client files for people who's name begin with the letter A."
"NEXT week, I will contact all A clients to make sure their information is current."

Yes!

Odds are I will create two "successes" through the above approach.

So does this relate to the enneagram Nine personality? Maybe marginally, in the sense that Nines tend to zone out and procrastinate when faced with things/tasks that look like they will require a lot of energy and effort.

Odds are that I will not put something off, if I can look at it and think "yeah, I can get that done real quick and then go back to a rest state."

Efficiency, and not zoning out and going to "sleep" for me involves a process of "deceiving myself" into believing that the tasks ahead of me-- the basic process of living-- involves doing lots of "small easy tasks" that can be quickly done and over with. Ultimately, it's just an issue of creating semantics that work for me. The actual tasks are no different from anyone else's.

The idea of "painting the house" makes me want to avoid the task at all costs.

The idea of "painting the bedroom" + "painting the bathroom" + "painting the kitchen" + "painting the hallway" + "painting the guest room" does not.

When I sit with how I feel about "tasks," I recognize that part of what we're looking at here is my Myers-Briggs "J" preference: I don't like to have "in process" things in my life, I like to have "done" things. Very large tasks require that they remain "open" for a long time, and I find it stressful; disturbing. Small tasks allow me to "cross something off the list." It will be done. Gone. I will never have to return to it. That offers me a certain peace of mind.

And, as we know, Nines are ALL about peace!

May you have a peaceful 2012!

It ALL feels like "work..."

I recognized-- quite early in life-- that I was fundamentally a lazy person. At age eight-- when I told my mother that the reason I hadn't tidied my room was that I was "too lazy"-- I had no idea there was such a creature as "The Enneagram."

Laziness carries very negative connotations in the western world, especially in the US... a nation driven by a work-work-work ethic.

Claudio Naranjo sometimes uses the word "accidia" to describe the inner states of enneagram Nines. Accidia is derived from Greek, and refers to the original "Deadly Sin" of Sloth... ultimately with a definition that touches primarily on emotional and spiritual apathy.

I have been trying to drill down into how I feel about "laziness," and how I experience it-- and don't experience it.

In my core, I experience pretty much all activity that requires me to "engage" as WORK. Besides this sense that everything feels like "working," I experience a subtler subtext that working places me in a position of "obligation," and I harbor resentments about "feeling obligated."

In simple terms, I live with an inner dynamic in which "doing anything" or "movement" (spiritual, physical, emotional, psychological) never equates with "fun" and always equates with "work."

I think it is human nature-- unless we're truly mentally ill-- dictates that we're drawn towards whatever feels "rewarding" and makes us "feel good." Similarly, we tend to shy away from things that do not "feel good." That has nothing to do with enneagram type, and everything to do with being alive.

So, if your nature is to be a super-active person, being in motion "feels good," so you do it. And "sitting still" probably "feels bad" (or "incomplete") so you avoid it. For me, "sitting still" feels good. Movement, work and "obligations" do not feel good.

There are few things I like more (aka: that "feel good") than sitting down, with the knowledge that "nothing needs to be done." There are few things I like more than completely emptying my head of all activity, to where there is just silence.

Is this laziness?

Rather than make an argument "for" or "against," I'll answer with a question: "By WHOSE yardstick do we determine what constitutes laziness?"

Who-- if ANYbody-- is "right" and "wrong?"

If we throw social norms out the window and momentarily forget that we "live in the US of A, where we work HARD, by golly!" and instead look at activity levels as a spectrum of "preferences," what do we end up with?

Metaphorically speaking, some people like coffee a LOT, and some people don't like coffee, at ALL. Some people are COLD when it is 70 degrees, some people are WARM. Some people like to be very ACTIVE, some do NOT.

For me, one of the downfalls/shortfalls of the "modern" (psycho-spiritual) enneagram is its tendency to focus very heavily on the enneagram types "in their fixations." Aside from the work of Riso & Hudson, remarkably little time is given to describing and characterizing what a healthy ennegram type "looks like." The problem with this approach is that it fails to sort out simple preferences (i.e. "I like coffee"), from the mental/emotional disturbances that are our "fixations" (let's call that "I'm AFRAID of coffee.").

Of course, I'm not blind to the fact that the majority focus of the "modern" enneagram is on "fixing" people through books, self-help seminars and so forth.

I guess the "issue" I have with all this-- and the reason I started writing-- is that this extensive focus on enneagram fixations can easily get to a place where we put a lot of effort into "standardizing" humans... and humans are so NOT "standardizable." We must be discerning. Using blanket statements like "Nines are too lazy" and "Threes are too driven" does nobody any favors because it ignores individual preferences.

Of course, there may be those in the peanut gallery who are thinking "Yeah, that's written like a NINE. Advocating NOT doing anything. Laziness!"

I can only offer my perspective.

My primary enneagram Teacher was an Eight who taught the enneagram from a tradition of nonduality. We spent a lot of time reflecting on-- and learning-- how to "sit in silence." We learned critical self-inquiry, and specifically how to recognize the difference between acting from "presence" and acting from "fear."

I'm a Nine. I'm sitting here in my office. It's fairly tidy and I can find everything I need, in order to run my two businesses from home. My bills and taxes are paid. I'm taking next week off. I have a lot of work to be done in January, and I WILL do that work.

All in all, I'd rather be sitting still, doing nothing. That's my preference. I'm not going to, but it's my preference.
That makes me a Nine.

All in all, you'd rather cancel Christmas and get started on that work... NOW. That's your preference. You're not going to, but it's your preference.
That makes you a Three.

But it makes neither of us wrong.

So here I sit, on Christmas morning, writing. Because everyone else in the house is slothfully sleeping!

That was a joke...

Happy Holidays!

Nines and Being Present

Of course, as I write these words, I can only write them from my own perspective; my own experience.

I have recently thought a lot about the whole issue of "Being Present." Someone close to me-- whom I love, respect and care about-- has pointed out that I "don't seem to be present."

Of course, the stereotypical Nine is perpetually "zoned out." I don't doubt-- or question-- that I zone out.

However, the discussion got me to contemplate why I am not more Present. After all, I have spent a large part of my adult life in pursuit of self-development, trying to become a better person.

Whether it applies to all Nines-- or just this Nine-- I have discovered that Being Present is a lot of work. Whether this is true for all people, I don't know.

Imagine, for a moment, the feeling that goes with threading a needle. You have to really concentrate, really look at the eye of the needle, and then focus intently on getting the thread to go through the impossibly tiny hole. This-- for most of us-- takes pretty intense focus and concentration. This is how I experience Being Present. It's not that I "don't know how." It's just that it requires intense concentration and focus, and a lot of effort... and it just plain tires me out, after some minutes... or half an hour, or whatever.

I admire those who can "stay Present" all the time. I have not yet figured out how to.

Nines and what Feels Good

I'm going to make a few sweeping assumptions, before starting this post.

For one, I'm going to assume that-- as a species-- we are inclined do be drawn to things/activities that "feel good." I find it difficult to wrap myself around the idea of someone thinking "Oh, this is going to make me feel really BAD or IN PAIN, so let me rush out and do it!" as a modus operandum for life. It just doesn't make sense... sure, it may be the "reality" of someone with a psychological disturbance, but I just can't parse it as "healthy behavior."

Second assumption: We are not "all the same," even at our core. What constitutes a "Healthy, Well-adjusted Life" is not a generic concept-- it will vary from person to person, dependent on a whole load of different factors.

That said...

For many years, I have been contemplating the core issue of "WHO decides" what an ostensibly healthy well-adjusted life "looks like?"

After a lot of self-inquiry-- and reading the better part of 50-odd books on the enneagram, as well as scores of others on psychology and self-improvement-- I reached the conclusion that two of the most important words in this whole "self-awareness" ball of wax are:

".... to ME."

We talk a lot about enneagram Nines and their desire for peace. I'll be the first to admit that most of my choices in life are motivated by desiring a peaceful outcome; to maintain a state of inner (and outer/environmental) peace.

Being at peace feels good.. "... to ME."

Being in a state of turmoil where it seems like everything is chaos and I live with a constant sense that I am falling off a cliff into an ocean of disruption and chaos... does not feel good... "... to ME."

I'm totally aware that it may feel like a perfect way to live, to YOU... you, who crave constant novelty, excitement and change, and who gets bored if you have sat still for more than three minutes straight. And I honor that.

Where I get angry (<-- Yes, Nines DO get angry!) is when I somehow get labeled as "psychologically unhealthy" and "in my fixation" because my choices don't look like yours. In Western society-- and especially in the USA-- we tend to idolize "Adventurer Daredevil" personality traits, while dismissing those who prefer to peacefully go with the flow as "colorless doormats," or-- at the very least-- "sheeple."

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy that kind of blanket labeling.

To ME, part of living a "Healthy, Well-Adjusted Life" includes the capacity to not only examine, but also understand and embrace, the difference between simple "preferences" and unhealthy "fixations." We are not "sheeple" and we are not "all the same." We must honor the "Peacekeeper" just as much as we honor the "Adventurer/Daredevil."

Part of my "issue" with the enneagram-- and I have written about this, at length-- is its tendencies to place a huge emphasis on our fixations; our defects; the ways in which we are "broken." Very little time is given to examination and description of the healthy manifestations of the nine enneagram points.

And that feels wrong..."... to ME."

Practical Zoning Out

Contemplating the whole "zoning out" thing, again.

Unless a behavior is directly toxic or damaging, I have always preferred to work with it, rather than change or delete it. In enneagram circles, the infamous "zoning out" of type Nines always feels (to me) like it is this horrible thing we Nines do.

After more than 20 years of studying the enneagram and using some of the healing tools it offers, I have come to question the "horrors" of zoning out.

I thought to myself "Well, maybe I can USE this to my benefit..."

Over a period years, I experimented with minor behavioral changes when I felt a case of "zoning out" approaching me, from around the corner.

These days, I live by a system of "meaningful zoning out." I neither blame myself, nor disallow zoning out in my life. However, when I do feel the inclination to zone out, I go on autopilot doing necessary things. For example, yesterday I got really tired of some writing projects I needed to work on... and I could feel my attention slipping. So... I allowed my attention to slip. I turned on some moody music, and spent an hour "mindlessly" processing, cutting, editing, color correcting and re-sizing photos for eBay auction. This is an activity that requires NO brain input at all... yet it is also necessary and essential. In essence... I was... practically... zoning out. I NEED those photos... they are essential in my work.

Zoning out is not a bad thing, if you understand how to work with it.

It's a bit like a variation on the whole New Age and Nonduality obsession with how "evil" The Ego is. "Kill the ego!"

No.
Not so much.
Don't be so fucking militant.
WORK with the ego.
The ego keeps you alive.
Without the ego, you'd be a colorless automaton who cared about nothing.
Without the ego, you'd be sitting in the corner with a little drool running from the corner of your mouth.
Talk about the ultimate "zoning out!"

Don't Should on Yourself!

It was just my birthday-- woo-hoo!

I was never a big fan of "my birthday" because I have never enjoyed being "the center of attention." I'm not afraid of it, and I'm not shy... it just feels like a distasteful selfishness.

Do I feel this way because I am a Nine? Is this a manifestation that "being seen" somehow requires "effort" on my behalf? Can't get that to fit, entirely... since being the center of attention generally involves everyone else "doing the doing," not me.

But anyway...

I checked in here and realized that it had been a long time since I last looked at this blog.

Then I decided that I was not going to beat myself up and start "shoulding" on myself because I'd failed to keep up with it. I decided that I was going to be "OK" with just updating as it occurred to me, and as I had something to share.

I have subscribed (and unsubscribed!) to a lot of blogs over the years... blogs that became "stale" because their owners had an obsession with "publishing daily," while only having enough interesting and worthwhile content to publish once every 7-10 days.

Our world is obsessed with schedules and with time... but sometimes the quality and relevance of "content" seems lost in the mix.

I'm NOT going to sit down here and write an entry that goes "It's Tuesday and I have no insights. The grass outside my window needs mowing and the wind it from the east. I went to the bathroom at 8:30, and I have had two cups of coffee today."

Who cares?
Not I...

If anyone ever subscribes to this, part of the "package" is that they may get three updates in three days, and then no updates in three months.

Flat Feelings

On occasion, people have told me that I seem emotionally "flat."

I don't seem to get excited about much of anything. I don't get angry, and I don't get particularly joyful, and not particularly fearful, or aggressive, or anything else.

I have even been told that I don't seem to possess the normal spectrum of human emotions.

I'm not sure what to think about this. Part of the conundrum is that I only have experience with being me, so I am not entirely sure what "normal" means. Certainly, I can observe other people... and I can see them get "affected" by events in way I don't fully understand.

I see someone fly into a rage, or have a meltdown... and I find myself looking that the causal event and thinking to myself "Why is THAT even something to think about, let alone have a meltdown over?"

When I look at those words, I realize it makes me sound callous. I don't mean to be. I can only conclude that other people's emotions burn with a brighter flame than mine.

It's a mystery to me, what it feels like to be "hot blooded." Although... those I look upon as being hot blooded usually insist that they are not.

Not-choosing, as a choice...

I wonder, sometimes, how many Nines are weighed down by the effects of their tendency to not-choose, when faced with choices.

It is commonly said and written that "Nines cannot make up their minds," and "Nines don't know what they want." My personal belief is that these are not entirely true statements.

I believe it's all a timing issue.

When so-called experts write these words, they are clearly not Nines. My own experience in life is that I cannot make up my mind... quickly enough for other people's liking. Similarly, I do generally know what I want, but it takes me longer than other people to get there.

If you are not a Nine, this could easily be seen as wishy-washyness, and an inability to decide.

Perhaps the "root" issue here has to do with the ability of Nines to "weigh all options," which simply takes time. Perhaps the root "truth" is simply that Nines are "deliberate" rather than "impulsive."

I know from experience that I tend to make very poor decisions, when pressured to make quick decisions.