When Enneagram Nines feel like parts of Enneagram Fours

From time to time, it seems like parts of me feel more like a Four than a Nine.

It's the whole "separation" thing. I have felt "apart from" and "different" from the rest of the world for as long as I can remember. And I mean that quite literally... a sensation I first became a aware of when I was maybe 4-5 year old... in which I experienced an inner realization that "Wow... I am just really not like anyone else on this planet."

The fact that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (or "HSP") may play into this, as well. Sensitivity is typically associated with Fours (outward expression) and Fives (inward expression) more than with Nines, but I am definitely part of the "tribe of HSPs."

Maybe what makes the Nine "apartness" feel different from the Four apartness is that whereas I am definitely aware that I am "different" I have no sense that something is "missing" nor that I have any kind of "special uniqueness" about me.

I am simply "aware" that it never feels-- and never has felt-- like I fit in on this planet. And when I sit and study "the feel" of that, all I experience is just a sense of "quiet resignation," based on actual experiences. There's no "drama;" no need to go into gales of "public histrionics," or anything like that. Just a quiet sense of "Yeah, there is is."

The reason I ended up writing these words is that my friend (who's a Four) periodically points out that I "seem very Four-ish, sometimes." We laugh about that sometimes, but I had never really taken the time to diver deeper into it.

My first recognition of this "being different" came when I grew aware that everyone around me felt very "loud" and very "violent" in a way I truly couldn't relate to. There was a sort of "aggressiveness" in their behavior that made no sense to me. I was a keen observer of the world around me... and the way people seemed to be... I dunno... "in competition" with each other... just didn't feel right. And it would feel even less right when someone would point out that I was "weird" because I didn't respond like other people, mostly to social situations.

As an adult, I have become aware that there are so many ways in which I truly and deeply "don't understand people."

I look at this through the lens of perception that Nines are frequently referred to as "The Peacemaker," and that explains a few things. Maybe I am simply a "peacemaker" to an extreme degree... after all someone has to be, just like someone has to be the person who has size 15 feet.  Maybe the effect is exacerbated by the fact that I have never felt any particular compulsion to "fit in." That, in itself, is perhaps a little UN-Nineish. Mostly, though, I think that's behavioral and I have my parents to thank for it... they always insisted that I "think for myself" and "make my own decisions," rather than follow the crowd.

Anyway, I amd exploring-- and will probably continue to explore-- the roots of my "differentness" because it feels somewhat counter to the typical type Nine attributes.

It's Just not THAT Important...

I think a lot of Nines get told that they "lack passion," at one time or another. The cultural definition of "passion" seems to involve being "strongly adhered" to something you are involved with. Or someONE you're involved with. I'll even go so far as to make the "snarky comment" that many cultural definitions of "passion" suggest that unless you pitch fits and throw things, "you don't got it."

And yet, we have loads and scads of workshops and books that teach us the value of "non-attachment" and finding a place of inner silence. Seems a bit contradictory, if you ask me.

I have been told-- more than a few times-- that I lack passion, and that I seem very "monotone."

I have also heard people talk about their "passionate" relationships... and somehow that "passion" seems to mostly be tied to the fact that they were "having a fight" with their partners, rather often. Which makes me wonder how anyone can think it healthy to pursue a situation that's about fighting.

The point I am getting to, here, is that a lot of stuff just isn't that important to me. Certainly not important enough to get all worked up over. It's just that other people perceive that those things are important, and those perceptions get them all fired up about little details. And those same people-- when considering those of us for whom the details are.... well... details-- seem quite set on the idea of telling us something is wrong with us, because we're not having the 43rd nervous breakdown (or fit of rage) of the day because we broke a shoelace.

I honor that people are all different. But seriously, folks? Let's get a grip here, and get a little perspective. Sounds to me like you are trying to rationalize your own dysfunctional behavior by trying to paint me as "the one with the problem."

Interaction of Being a Nine with Inattentive ADD

I am an adult with ADD... the "inattentive" version.

Most people are familiar with ADD or ADHD as being "that kid who's bouncing off the walls and getting into EVERYthing," and then the adult that comes from that kid.

The Inattentive version of ADD-- which has been with me since I was a little kid-- is the exact opposite. This describes the people who just can't concentrate because they site there, trying to do something, and then simply "drift away" to La La Land... they are the kids who were always described as "daydreamers" and came home with report cards that said something like "nice and polite, but needs to apply himself more."

I haven't previously explored the connections (or not) between being a Nine, and inattentive ADD. Sometimes we (meaning "society") tend to pathologize things too much... but sometimes we also have a tendency to not want to be objective about our actual mental issues... instead choosing to wrap perfectly "treatable" conditions up in a nice warm blanket called "Oh, that's just part of my personality type."

Which is basically bullshit.

"Know thyself" is really important, when it comes to living a conscious life. And "knowing" means paying enough attention to understand the difference between "personality" and "condition" and to be able to ascertain-- with some degree of certainly-- where one ends, and the other begins.

We talk a lot about Nines "zoning out." That has always been an issue of mine... but people with Inattentive ADD also "zone out." So to really understand the dynamic, we must examine the nature of the zoning out.

When I look back at my history, a lot of time I find that I am zoning out because I just can't stay focused on the task. My brain-- literally-- goes "foggy" when I try to really focus, and I end up looking at birds outside my window. There's no Nine-ish "avoidance" involved... looking out the window doesn't have anything to do with "distracting myself" from what is important. In those cases, it's basically a brain chemistry thing... people with inattentive ADD have issues with the neurotransmitters in their brain sending the "wrong" message to our bodies. Normally, when you sit down to focus on a task, your body releases neurotransmitters that give you a bit of a "lift" and a "jolt" to allow you to be extra focused and awake. That's NOT what happens, for me. I sit down, get about 10 minutes into the task... and my neurotransmitters send a "message" to my brain and body that amounts to "Dude! You haven't SLEPT in six days!" and all I want to do is fall asleep... when I need to concentrate the most.

When you are "zoning out, as a Nine" the process is quite different, because there's an active (or at least subconscious) "avoidance" of what matters; of what is important. It's the zoning out (for example) I experience when I play endless Facebook games as a means of not getting around to paying my bills. I am "aware" of the bills, and it "feels like SUCH a hassle" to get them all organized, and then there's the "futility factor" of knowing I can't afford to pay all of them, so that will make me "feel bad about myself" which I am also trying to avoid. And-- irrationally-- I am avoiding looking at my bills, in some (false) hope that "if I can't SEE them, they are not really there."

As you can see (I hope!), there's a very different underlying cognitive process between one "kind" of zoning out and the other. And sometimes the two can co-exist, adding an additional wrinkle of complication. For example, in the "bills" example, I may manage to "ramp myself up" to face my bills (overcoming the Nine "laziness"), but then "zone out" while trying to DO my bills (the ADD sets in)... even though I have overcome the cognitive resistance.

All I can advise-- from where I am sitting-- is ""know all you can" because it really does matter to fully understand "what" affects us. Fortunately, the deeper study of the enneagram teaches us some fairly rigorous self-inquiry, allowing us to get to the bottom of these "mysteries."

"Know Thyself!"

I Was a Lazy Kid

For as long as I can remember, I have been a lazy person. I was a lazy kid. I don't say that as some "point of pride," merely as a fact.

In grade school, it seemed like my life revolved around a carefully laid strategy of non-participation. I was always good at "making myself busy" at crucial moments... being in the bathroom when sides were picked for school yard games; "forgetting" something I had to go back for.

It has never been entirely clear to me why I avoided participation. Well... in part because it felt scary to be in the rough of things. Life felt very rough, and I felt ill-equipped to deal with it. Life always felt like it was "screaming" at me, and I wanted no part of it. I also felt somewhat held back by the impending criticism from my parents, should I participate in something and do anything short of "excel." To this day, the words "In OUR family, we _______" followed by some story about how anyone in the family who'd undertaken whatever I'd just been a part of had done to at a world class level.

I was rarely "world class" at anything. Most of the time, I just wanted to remain largely unseen. Unseen was a safe place... and I was all about safety. I "created myself" a solid performer-- someone who was reliably near the "upper third" of things I did. Good enough to not suffer the embarrassment of being "chosen last" for school games, but not so good that anyone would notice me. It meant that when I had to "participate," I could so in a manner so unobtrusive that it still felt like "not being seen."

I also remember the time my mother came in my room and told me (for the 345th time) that I needed to tidy up. And then she asked "I JUST don't understand why you can't keep your room tidy???"

Unlike the typical 9-year old response of "Uhhh... I don't know," I instead chose to reply "Because I am just a LAZY person."

Of course, that just set her off on a tirade about how that was "utter nonsense" and how nobody "in our family" was a lazy person.

When I look at my adult life, I can see all the ways in which I have chosen paths that left me "unnoticed." I have never felt comfortable with being noticed; nor with "taking credit." I think that I used to have fear of being seen-- as an adult in middle age, I just don't care. If you want "acknowledge" something I have done, put some money in my bank account.

I have contemplated those feelings at length. Ultimately, I just don't need my ego stroked... my "psychic rewards" in life have never come from someone putting me on some kind of figurative public pedestal. My reward comes from the internal observation that someone "is better off" as a result of something I did. And maybe that's participant to why I have tended to feel put off by "excelling:" People always want to seem to engage in "deity worship" for those who do good... it becomes all about "recognition." I don't care. If you want to "recognize" me, contribute to my grocery budget.

Sitting Still

The thing is, I really like "sitting still."

I believe all people are drawn to whatever actions make them feel good, and fulfilled. That is, at least if your primary motivation isn't fear.

Simplicity and stillness are things that make me feel good and fulfilled. Constant "busy-ness" does not-- in fact it makes me feel unsettled, jumpy and grumpy. "Being on the go" is not a positive feeling.

What bugs me is the "judgment," along with the underlying idea that there is some kind of "standard" way to live what the world considers a good life. A proper life. A life that is "emotionally healthy." But I always end up at the same starting point:

WHO decides?
And what makes THEM an "authority" on other people's lives... other people who are NOT LIKE THEM?

In those questions lie a large part of the reason why so much conventional therapy is doomed to failure. Most therapists lack the insight, or skills, or non-attachment to truly view their clients outside their own lenses of perception. Inevitably, what the client "should" do is filtered by the therapist's perceptions and experience. That is, with the exceptions of the tiny percentage of therapists who truly are clued in...

I like sitting still. I like "not doing much." I don't have a FEAR of doing... it's just that "doing" doesn't feel very good; I don't get a positive brain reward for "doing" the way I do for "not doing."

Some would hold that something is "wrong" with me, or I am "not normal" for a desire to not do.

Perhaps true, from a "majority perspective," but who is to say that a desire to "do" is the de-facto standard of behavior for ALL human beings?

What Nines have "in Common," and not...

Over the years, I have spent a fair amount of time on general enneagram forums, and have been part of various listservs-- including some that were specifically about enneagram Nines.

Of course, one of the most common discussions revolves around "what we have in common." Certainly, this can be both fun and enlightening, but at times it goes a little overboard... and the discussion dteriorates into meaningless nonsense.

"Do Nines like ice cream?" 

No. Yes. What does that have to DO with anything???

Occasionally I have the humorless nature more often encountered in Fives.

One of the "marginal" topics discussed-- and one that interests me-- is whether enneagram type has any influence on musical tastes.

In some ways, my musical tastes could be characterized as "Four-ish," since I have a huge collection of esoteric music "nobody has ever heard of" and I often feel "left out" because my music is anything but popular, and nobody else ever seems to listen to it.

Most of what I listen to might be categorized as "melodic trance" and "progressive vocal house," neither of which are genres that have ever been within 50 miles of a radio station.

"But don't you like 'normal' music?" people will ask me.

No, mostly I don't. Most of it bores me to tears. I'd probably have to listen to a "top 40" or "adult rock" station for several days before hearing one song that would fit in my "REALLY like this" category.

I'm not trying to be "difficult" or "contrary;" I'm just trying to please my ears and my soul... and most mainstream music sounds and feels... rough, unpolished, simplistic, formulaic and predictable. Mostly it's just so much noise...

I never had a heavy metal/headbanger "period." When I was 16, I listened to jazz funk and Pink Floyd. And precursors to electronica, like Kraftwerk and Steve Hillage. My college friends were mostly baffled by my musical tastes which mainly went to New Wave Britpop and Aussie rock. They were listening to Aerosmith, I was listening to Living in a Box and Kissing the Pink. Electronica developed a little more in the early 90's, with the emergence of acts like Opus II, the Shamen, The Golden Palominoes... I also had a Cocteau Twins phase. In the late 90's the likes of BT and ATB started to produce the precursers of "DJ mixed" trance music...

This morning I'm listening to Dave Horne and Chris Reece. It's OK. You've never heard of them... unless you accidentally ended here because this post popped up in a google search. In which case I apologize... you weren't expecting ramblings about personality types and music.

The bottom line, for me, is that the music I listen to gives me a sense of peace... and that IS very Nine-ish.

Nines, Anger and... Sadness

Core issue we are all familiar with: Nines and their (repressed?) anger.

Anger, anger, anger...

It's easy to understand how an angry world would fixate on an "absence of anger" as a "problem," when it seems so different from the majority response to situations.

"You're just lying to yourself about not being angry."

Most Nines have heard those words-- or some variation thereof-- many many times.

What I find distressing is the lack of scope, when it comes to identifying an "appropriate" response, when something happens, in our lives.

If my house burns down, I feel sad, not angry. I feel sad that I no longer have my nest, that my family photos are gone, that I wasn't able to put out the fire. My house burning down is a LOSS, so I feel sad; I mourn it. I don't RAGE at it.

When my dog gets run over, I feel sad. Not angry.

When I lose my job, I feel sad. Not angry.

While the world seems to think I am the one with the "personality defect," from where I am sitting it looks a lot like most people "use" anger as a way to avoid dealing with-- and sitting in-- their grief; their sadness.

And I am the one with the "problem?" Now... THAT implication makes me feel angry!

I was recently having a discussion about anger with my wife-- who also happens to be a Nine. She's been reading Karla McLaren's book "The Language of Emotions." In our discussion, something finally came to make sense... "anger" and "sadness" are different manifestations/expressions of the same root emotion.

Anger is sadness, and sadness is anger.

The same "thing," but expressed differently, in the outward sense.

In some way, this information makes me feel incredibly relieved. Like being told that I "don't have cancer," after all.